Love and Marriage

Advice from a romance writer and her husband

Kurt and I have been happily married for nearly thirty years. We’ve raised two wonderful sons and survived financial setbacks and personal losses, including the death of a child.

Recently, we’ve had occasion to share some of what we’ve learned with young relatives who are contemplating or entering marriages of their own. We hope these thoughts will be helpful to others as well.

In our culture, it is often assumed that romantic love and physical attraction are all we need to have a successful marriage.  In reality, other factors are not only essential but often more important in the long run.

Here are topics couples should discuss prior to marriage. They can be revisited whenever the relationship encounters a transition or either member of the couple feels unsatisfied.

Fundamentally, for a marriage to work, the couple needs a high level of agreement and respect.  Working through these topics may help you determine if you share these enough of these qualities to sustain a marriage. 

First, spirituality. What are your beliefs about God and how do you expect to express these through the use of your time and talents?

If you have different views, how will you raise your children and respect each other’s beliefs? What moral values do you share? If there are key moral values on which you disagree, you are unlikely to be able to sustain a marriage.

Next, your personal goals and objectives.  You should fundamentally agree on these, but also need flexibility because these may change over time.

What do you each want to be doing in one, five, ten or twenty years? How do you plan to reach your goals in such areas as personal growth, health maintenance, education, fun and housing?

Do you want children? How many? What are your views about discipline, education and parenting? If you have different religious views, how will you raise them?

How will you deal with in-laws? Where will you spend your holidays? How much influence will you allow relatives to exert on your activities, finances and goals?

You must be able to separate from your parents, put your spouse first and establish your own, adult home. At the same time, you shouldn’t have to sacrifice emotional ties merely to satisfy your partner’s demand for exclusive attention.

Arguments over money and money management are one of the main factors in divorces.

Your style of money management needs to be settled before marriage. You should have a high level of agreement. 

Here are key questions to discuss:

q       Who gets to decide how to spend your income and what do you do when there is a disagreement?

q       How much can you each spend without having to check in with the other in advance?

q       Will you own property and cars jointly? What about existing property? How will you handle inheritances?

q       Who manages the bills and checkbook?  Will you have separate bank accounts? (Note that you can maintain separate credit but still list your partner on your bank accounts so they have access to the money in case of emergency.) How will you handle taxes?

What are your individual communication styles? We recommend reading Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s helpful to read it out loud together and discuss as you go.

In the important area of conflict resolution, a valuable resource is the book Parent Effectiveness Training. This is not just for parents; it’s about communication in general. You can also read and discuss this together.

Respect is one of the most important areas in a relationship. When partners criticize or belittle each other, whether while alone or (even more damagingly) in front of others, the relationship deteriorates. Do you or does your partner use sarcasm or make snide, low-blow remarks? You must both commit to halting this because it blocks communication and destroys trust.

Here are other significant issues to explore.

q       What attracted you to the other person?

q       What do you respect about the other person? What do you think they do better than you?  Would you be willing to trust in their judgment in this area even if their decisions make you uncomfortable?

q       What do you not like about the other person?  Do you expect them to change this?

q       Are there any aspects to the other person that you do not respect? How could they change this area? Do you expect them to change?

In our culture, love is often assumed to exist in a realm of its own, to sweep away the participants and eliminate their need for separateness.  Hardly anyone can remain in such a state of fervor and intimacy for twenty years, let alone thirty, forty, or fifty. Establishing levels of personal space is trickier than it might seem.

There are five areas of togetherness/separateness that couples must balance.  You should explore how much of these each of you needs:

1)      Time separate from each other

2)      Time together but with other people (such as at a party)

3)      Time together but doing different things (such as being in the same room while one watches TV and the other reads)

4)      Time together but doing the same thing (such as watching a play)

5)      Time together and highly focused on each other (such as talking about this article, or making love)

Are you willing to schedule time together to meet the other’s needs? Note that partners rarely require exactly the same amount of togetherness. Each must be willing to meet the other’s true and reasonable need for intimacy, but neither should make such excessive demands that the other feels smothered.

Trust and Secrets. People sometimes misunderstand the concept of trust in a relationship, interpreting it to mean that partners should blindly trust each other without disclosure or inquiry. This is the opposite of the truth, and plays into the hands of manipulators who take advantage of their partners.

In reality, love can only flourish in the presence of openness and honesty. Important questions must be answered and secrets revealed. This doesn’t preclude a person from retaining a reasonable level of privacy, such as maintaining a journal in which to record emotions without worrying about how they might appear to a husband or wife. But there should be no deception and no secrets of a material nature.

Please note that, while a partner deserves a general idea of the other’s past behavior, neither should require a detailed list of romantic partners and sexual activities. Too much demand for information encourages an unhealthy dwelling on the past. No one comes to a marriage in a perfect state and none of us can change the past. Given reasonable disclosure so there is no question of deception or unwelcome future surprises, each must be willing and able to accept and move past the other’s flaws and mistakes.

Each of us varies in what we can accept. If one partner finds the other’s past too troubling, it is best to avoid marriage and move on. Everyone has a right to watch out for red flags. As an obvious example, a person who has children should avoid anyone with a history as a child molester or abuser.

These questions should be addressed frankly:

q       Are you or have you ever been addicted to chemical substances or gambling or anything else?

q       Have you ever been in jail or involved in a major lawsuit?

q       How is your health? Are there any continuing or genetic issues or concerns? Do you get regular checkups?

q       Do you currently have any STDs or other contagious diseases?

q       Have you ever been married or had children? Have you ever had an abortion or had a girlfriend who aborted your baby?

q       Have you ever attempted or seriously contemplated suicide?

q       What is your credit score and do you have unpaid bills? What about student loans?

q       Have you met each other’s parents and friends? If you dislike them or they dislike you, be advised they have the potential to wreak your marriage.

q       Were you abused or have you ever been an abuser?

q       What are your family’s skeletons in the closet?

q       What is the true nature of your work/occupation? If your work is classified by the U.S. government or restricted by a confidentiality agreement, you should at least disclose as much as you are allowed to.

q       Are you a virgin? If not, you must decide between you how much information to share (please see general statement above).

Another important area to discuss is attitudes toward sensuality. 

Before marriage, should you have sex? Do you want to live together as lovers, or live together as roommates, or neither?

As for lovemaking, without going into a lot of detail, what do you enjoy and not enjoy, or think you’ll enjoy and not enjoy? What are your fantasies about the perfect romantic encounter (such as a coupling on the floor after a candlelight dinner at home in front of a fire, or fighting and making up passionately)? 

Discuss what gets you aroused and what does not. Some people love having their ear nibbled. Others dislike it intensely

In conclusion, there is no simple recipe for success in marriage. Some people simply aren’t able to stay together. But even partners with a high degree of compatibility will find that, by discussing the areas we’ve outlined, their marriage will have a better chance of withstanding the curve balls life throws at us all.

 ©2007 Jackie Diamond Hyman and Kurt Wilson

For more discussion help, check out:

Love for a Life Time tapes by David T Moore

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